Look Rahul, we really like you. Well, you have been running this company for six years, and unless we liked you, you would not have been around so long. We have got so used to you by now, that our families go on vacation together. Our kids have fun together. Most of the members of the board play golf with you every Sunday.
So let me say it straight. We really do like you. This is not about you.
But… there is always a but, isn’t it? The board is in favour of taking important decisions based on sound logic and rational argument. It is very much like what you have been doing all these years.
We have played out all possible scenarios and the outcomes of all of them suggest that our newly rolled out humanoid robot, Damodardas (we will call him DD), can perform the demanding role of the CEO of our mega business corporation better than you.
Effective immediately, the board is relieving you of your responsibilities. Damodardas (DD) will be taking over from tomorrow and an announcement is being made later in the day today. While this might come as a shock to you, Rahul, we are sure that you will hand over everything to DD and his team smoothly in the best interests of the company and DD. And of course, in the long-term interests of your own esteemed self.
Look, if you were in our position, I am certain you would have reached the same decision. But we can understand that in your present agitated state, you might be wondering, why me? And even more importantly, why DD? Let me explain how the board arrived at that decision, if it helps.
In all our scenario analysis, DD came out miles ahead in strategic decisions, relying solely on the inputs of the market and competitors, and with no self-interest on how those decisions will take his own career ahead. For all you know (though we are not sure yet, as the empirical results aren’t out), he has no inkling of what is self-interest. So that is really a big plus that DD has over you.
DD’s resource and work allocation algorithms have turned out to be better for the long-term interests of shareholders, primarily because he has no biases when it comes to people. DD shows no preferences based on who he works with better (he can work with anyone!). He has no mutual arrangements with his team members and old boy networks (we aren’t even sure he has any!) to push each other ahead. That kind of dispassion is rare.
I can keep going into how DD performs better in various functional areas where similar decisions are improved incrementally or drastically by DD, all of which adds up and compounds into superior long-term performance. But I will leave it to your superior intelligence to understand what we mean.
Add to that the fact that, while we don’t deny that you are a hard-working CEO, DD is a workaholic’s workaholic. He needs no downtime and works 24 by 7 for the corporation. He has no wife, no kids, and factoring in your age and remaining years of service, you will agree that DD having no retirement age is also a big plus. For all your achievements at a young age, the board recognises that it would be unfair to expect a man entering his 50s to compete with DD on that factor.
DD is a truly long-term investment for the corporation, you will agree.
I can keep going on and on. But for the announcement today, and for your reference later, we have enclosed the empirical results of the board’s experiments with DD over the past one year of succession planning. These results make it amply clear that we are on the right track.
Look, Rahul, we know this is tough for you. For someone who derives his entire sense of self-worth from the CEO job and other noteworthy achievements in a highly illustrious career, this must be really hard to take. By the way, that’s another advantage that Damodardas aka DD has – he has no attachments and no sense of self-worth to keep up to, so to speak.
But let me not come to that kind of personal level. We know it’s not fair to you.
We understand that, while you have done this to others in the past, it’s not every day that someone comes and tells a CEO like you that his job can be done by a humanoid robot. But hey, the world is a small place, and lots of corporations still need smart human beings like you as the CEO.
I am sure our paths will cross again in the future.
And one last thing before you hand over your office keys to HR who is waiting outside with a box containing all your personal stuff.
Before you start suspecting any vested interest, politics, or conspiracy theories in this decision, let me clarify that the fight that your wife had with the wives of two board members, and the way your son bullied all our children (while you laughed out loud watching both of them) on our last vacation together a year back has nothing to do with this decision. Nothing whatsoever.
That is because the esteemed members of the board, while having provided some inside inputs to DD, haven’t taken the decision entirely on their own. The decision-maker has no reasons to hatch any conspiracy or play politics. All big decisions in this company going forward, starting with this one, will be taken by our new CEO, Damodardas aka DD.
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