The cinema experience did not leave Swami unscathed. His already insecure existence became more insecure. “Society today is turning dangerous,” he called Jigneshbhai and said. “First they don’t stand for the national anthem. Then they attack you, threaten you and if not for friends, beat you up!”
Jigneshbhai said, “Instead of blaming society, why not keep tempers under check? In fact, it was your good luck that the right ticket holders came in. That let us escape before the interval.”
Swami was not convinced. “Well, true to some extent. That luck played a role and let me escape. But I can’t depend on luck. Society is becoming dangerous,” he continued,
“So, what are you going to do about it?” Jigneshbhai asked.
“I am going to apply for police security,” he announced. Jigneshbhai and I almost spilled our coffee in surprise. Swami took us to the police station near his house and met the clerk there.
“I want to apply for police security. I have reason to believe that my life is in danger,” he told the clerk.
The clerk gave him a bored look and, to our surprise, opened a form book and started writing.
“Which category?” He asked.
“I don’t know. Z? Or Y? Or should it be X?” Swami replied.
“That we will decide. You are which category?” The police clerk asked.
“Category? What are the options?” was Swami’s puzzled answer.
“Are you a politician? Or a businessman?”
“No, I am neither a politician nor a businessman.”
“So, you are a film star or a sport star?”
“No, I have never acted. Nor am I very sporty. Though recently I started playing badminton for fitness.”
“Ok, so you are into real estate?”
“No sir, I never owned anything other than my house. That too on home loan.”
“Then which category are you?”
“Oh, I am none of these. Actually, I am a normal working person.”
The clerk started wondering where we had come from. He noted none of the above somewhere on the form. Jigneshbhai was enjoying the fun. He winked at me.
“So, are you receiving threats from someone?”
“Yes sir, a few days back I received a threat.”
“Ok. From the underworld? Or local gangsters?”
“No sir. Why I will receive threats from underworld? Plus, I don’t know any local gangsters. Why will they call me?”
“To extort money. Why else?”
“No sir. I don’t have that much money.”
“Then why are you receiving threats?”
“I received a verbal threat. They said they will beat me up.”
“Ok, so it is an assault threat case.” The clerk noted and continued asking more questions.
“Why assault threat? Due to business transaction dispute?”
“No sir. I told you I am not a businessman.”
“Then due to personal enmity or family love affairs?”
“No Sir, I am married and happy, I don’t have any enemies,” Swami smiled and looked at us.
“Then why are you getting assault threats?”
“Because I spilled his popcorn.”
The clerk looked up from his form wondering what this is about.
“Popcorn?”
“Yes sir, popcorn. And also some Pepsi.”
The clerk gave Swami a quaint look. He seemed to be thinking whether Swami was normal. Swami continued though.
“He didn’t stand for the national anthem. So, I kicked him.” Swami finally clarified the events leading up to his need for police security. The clerk seemed satisfied with this explanation for now.
“Personal rivalry,” the clerk started writing on the form.
“Sir, it’s not personal rivalry. I don’t know him.”
The clerk now stopped writing and finally stood up.
“You are a normal working person. You have no personal rivalry. You are getting threats from someone who you don’t know. And he is threatening you because you spilled his popcorn and Pepsi.”
“That’s an excellent summary, Sir” Swami said, with a broad smile on his face. “One more detail that you missed Sir. I spilled his popcorn because I kicked his chair when he didn’t stand for the national anthem.”
The clerk thought about the situation. He had never come across such a request for security before. Jigneshbhai thought that given the situation, it was amazing that the clerk was calm. Even he had much to learn from the clerk, Jigneshbhai thought.
Swami waited with patience for the clerk to take next steps. But the situation perplexed the clerk. The clerk was about to say something but stopped. He probably saw no point. This was a hopeless case.
Swami decided to take the initiative. “If you can give me one police constable, I can take him with me in my car,” he added, to break the silence.
This seemed to have been the final nail in the coffin. The clerk then made his decision.
“I am not sending any police constable. You don’t fall under any security category. The police doesn’t provide security to normal people with no enemies. Go home and if you meet the man, call this number,” he said, pointing to the police station’s number.
Swami tried to plead his case. But the clerk said “Next?”
We stepped out of the police station and went home. Swami complained, “The police doesn’t provide security for people without enemies.”
Jigneshbhai’s anger from Swami’s cinema action had turned into amusement after his police station visit. Well there is a limit to an action bias, I too thought. Only Swami could have thought of doing something like this. Jigneshbhai and I initially had thought he was joking. But he had made an attempt in all seriousness. Who goes to a police station complaining about a brawl over spilt popcorn? Swami does. I could see that while earlier Jigneshbhai was wild with anger, now he couldn’t control his laughter.
“Why don’t you make some enemies now? You already have a couple of them,” he said.
Swami did not get the sarcasm as usual. “Which couple of them? I didn’t remember any enemies” he asked. “You should have mentioned them to the police, if you knew. At least I could have got protection then.” Swami still didn’t get it.
“Well, your cousin and his smart boss, for a start?” Jigneshbhai said with a wink in his eye. “They are decent enemies, for a start, aren’t they?”
“Oh,” he said, and laughed out loud. Jigneshbhai and I joined the fun. Swami said, “I have decided that I should stay away from cinemas and the police. And even those two enemies.”
If only it was that simple. Especially when enemies are extended family which keeps extending.
***
This is a chapter extract from The Good, The Bad and The Silly.