Satire

The wife has been feeling a bit unwell with frequent abdominal aches for the past few weeks. (I am going to refer to my wife as “the wife” like the humorist Busybee used to in his articles in Mumbai’s “The Afternoon” so many years back – I used to find it so funny). So well – getting back, the wife has been a bit unwell. I have a mild version of hospital phobia, despite the wife being a doctor. In a sense, that works well because the wife takes health decisions for everyone at home – on which illness is to be neglected, when you should be happy with just some medicines and when an illness is to be taken seriously enough to visit the hospital. So this time, the wife being the patient, took a call that enough of medicines – it was time that she needed an “endoscopy”. So we finally got an appointment, went to the hospital and got it done. Well – after that, the surgeon called me in, and very dutifully showed me all the photographs and videos that the endoscope had recorded. I blankly nodded with a studious look pretending that I understood everything he said, as if I see the insides of stomachs day in and day out. And finally, at the end of it, he said something to this effect – there is nothing, it is all fine and normal. Just a bit of gastritis, let her manage her lifestyle and health, do not give her stress and things should go away. You do not worry.

Once I got out, I asked the wife – so you have no illness? No indeed. So there was no news as such. We got through a procedure and there was no news. Which actually was good news.

The wife was pretty cool about it. This happens all the time she said. Patients who feel they have a serious illness due to pain in the stomach turn out to be simple gastritis patients 80% of the time. As the conversation progressed, she continued – “In fact, doctors admit them just because patients refuse to go back often. And sometimes, not just that, the patient who is not ill ends up picking up an infection from the hospital! So, if you are seriously ill, your odds of getting better improve when you get admitted, but if you are not seriously ill, the odds of getting worse are more! Now you understand why I neglect most of your petty illnesses at home.” Towards the end, I thought that was not the doctor speaking, it was the wife.

Be that as it may, it sounded amazing to me – but then I guess doctors are people too, doctors are wives too. The wife continued – “But this doctor was good and honest too. He did not tell you that we will need to observe and prescribe something more. Maybe because I am a doctor here.”

So that was it – we found a doctor who was honest enough to tell us – you do not need me. And a patient who was obedient enough to listen to him.

This is not as common as it looks. Perhaps in medicine, you have more honest doctors and more obedient patients – because it is about your life and health. So the chances of coming across such doctors still is high – despite all the corporatisation of healthcare and the works. But it struck me that in other areas where people are supposed to be ‘doctors’ or experts in their fields, they do not always act with that kind of integrity. How many experts at auto service stations tell you when you take your car for a check up that “Your car does not need me”? How many accountants will tell you – well, everything is fine with your accounts, why don’t you file your returns yourself? How many financial advisers to whom you take your portfolio are honest enough to tell you “Your financial health is fine and this is why you do not need me”? And finally, how many of us would be happy with these kind of advisers, and like good patients – obedient enough to take their advise? Has it ever been the case that when you engaged some of these ‘doctors’ you were perfectly fine and then caught an infection?

Something to ponder upon. Well – the fact is that instances of finding experts who say – “you do not need me” are few and far between. It is possible that you do need some medicines some time, but if according to your expert, you need them all the time, perhaps it is time to change your doctor for these areas. Move to someone who gives you no news. Sometimes, no news can be good news.

Every few weeks, Saturday mornings are reserved for the barber. Today was one of those, so my son and I had our visit to the salon. After our customary drive and parking, and a few minutes of waiting for our turn, we finally were called in and sat into our ‘throne’ to get started with his ‘services’. Mind you, salons in major cities in India have got quite savvy. So unlike a few years back when you just went to a barber shop to get a haircut, now you go to a wellness salon which provides ‘overall hair and beauty services’. They have a quite a range of services on offer to grab more ‘share of wallet’ from you.

But despite that some things have not changed. So the first question I get when I am seated is still – ‘do you want it cut short, medium or long?’ I have never been able to figure out what to answer this question with. Obviously, long is out of question, else I would not be here. But between short and medium, I have never figured what I really want. When I say short, I kind of need to clarify that I do not want an army crew cut. When I say medium, I generally follow it up with some comment that suggests – but do not cut just a bit! After that, I hope he has got what I want and then silently sit waiting for him to do his job.

This is similar to the ‘agony aunt’ stock question-answer programs you have on TV. So the caller asks – I bought so and so stock at Rs.100 two weeks back – what should I do now, buy, hold or sell? And the advising broker asks him – can you hold for short-term or long-term? Similar to ‘do you want your hair short or medium?’, this question has no clear answer. So the caller answers, long-term, and just to clarify – adds 2-3 months!! Providing clarity for his definition of long-term.

The other similarity I find between barbers and brokers (or as they are called hair and beauty service, and financial service providers respectively) – is their nice guy approach when the first service is over. So I am nearing the end of my hair cut, and typically I am asked – “Sir, will you like a hair color?” Now at this point, if I am not clear on whether I want it or not, it is quickly followed by something like – “It will look good on you Sir” or something to that effect telling me why I need it. Depending on the tone of my answer, the same service is pursued, or a new item in the menu card is proposed – the hope being that the 5 minutes between now and the end of my hair cut yield an add-on service that I purchase.

This is again similar to my experience with financial services providers of late. If I visit a bank, a ‘relationship manager’ arises from somewhere telling me that he will be the point of contact for me. So after some mundane task like submitting an application for a bank stamp on an ECS mandate is done, and I am waiting for the processing, the relationship manager quickly asks me if I am looking for stock and mutual fund advisory services, or else for insurance, or for credit cards – for something. A little bit of confusion shown on my face, and I am drowned in information on why I need it. Only when there is no option but to give me my ECS mandate, I am free to go.

So here we are, in the savvy new world of services with so many things on offer. A slight bit of confusion on your face is a sure sign for marketing spiel to follow. In such a scenario, whether it is barbers or it is brokers, it is important that the buyer is clear on what he wants, and not just that, is quite staunch about it. An extra hair color at a salon may not cause much harm, but a wrongly bought financial service or product is likely to do so. So as has been said by famous investors earlier, never ask a barber if you need a haircut (or for that matter any other hair and beauty service). It is in your interest to be clear about what you want. If at all you have a need to ask, ask someone whose advice you trust and will provide advice that is in your interest. Because whether it is a barber or a broker, like Lewis Carroll said – “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”