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A friend recommended reading this book, and the title of the book instantly intrigued me. I got the book almost on the same day, and finished reading it over the next week or so. While the title is attractive and whoever thought about it must be credited with it, this book is not just about being disliked. It is about Adlerian psychology – something that I hadn’t heard of till I read the book, and is written in the form of a dialogue between a youth and a philosopher.
It attempts to explain the salient features of the ‘individual psychology’ theory of Alfred Adler in the form of questions, answers, counter-questions and arguments between a youth who vehemently disagrees with it, and a philosopher who professes it. The dialogues are engaging at most times, cover aspects of psychology, philosophy and even spirituality occasionally; and contain a lot of profound insights that I took away.
A lot of the ideas resonated with me as I realized that I might have, unwittingly though, adopted at least some of them in my life at some point. In some stretches, especially in the initial sections till the book grips you, it can be painstaking reading, while the reader keeps wondering where the conversation is going. The dialogues at some places seem staid or unnatural too, in those initial sections.
But once it catches your attention (which happened to me around 20-25% into the book), it is difficult to let go. After that, in the second half, the book is filled with amazing insights to take away. It is then that the book, despite its professorial style of writing, grips you, if not for anything else, then at least to pursue the curiosity of the mind.
Here are some profound and interesting lines and concepts that the book contains, excerpted below:
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We are not determined by our experiences, but by the meaning we give them.
We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences – the so-called trauma – but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.
Personality is something that you choose for yourself.
All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
Internal worry does not exist. Whatever the worry that may arise, the shadows of other people are always present.
Subjectivity allows you to make your own choice – the choice to view facts as either an advantage or disadvantage.
Value is based on a social context.
The pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth.
Withdraw from places that are preoccupied with winning and losing. When you are trying to be yourself, competition will inevitably get in the way.
When one can think, “Whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely”, one can really feel love.
Think with the perspective of “Whose task is this?” and continually separate your own tasks from other people’s tasks.
All interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having your own tasks intruded upon.
What another person thinks of you is that person’s task, not yours.
Do not intervene in other people’s tasks, or allow even a single person to intervene in your own tasks.
Forming good interpersonal relationships requires a certain degree of distance.
We must not seek reward, and we must not be tied to it.
Freedom is being disliked by other people.
Conducting yourself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living.
It is because you are living in vertical relationships that you want to be praised.
Neither praise nor rebuke.
It is when you are able to feel “I am beneficial to the community” that you can have a true sense of your worth.
Unconditional confidence is a means for making your interpersonal relationship with a person better and for building a horizontal relationship.
People who have so much money that they could never use it all work so they are able to contribute to others, and also to confirm their sense of belonging.
If you really have a feeling of contribution, you will no longer have any need for recognition from others.
Why is it necessary to be special?
Be normal.
You do not need to flaunt your superiority.
If life were climbing a mountain in order to reach the top, then the greater part of life would end up being “en route.”
Think of life as a series of dots.
Dancing itself is the goal, and no one is concerned with arriving somewhere by doing it.
If you are shining a bright spotlight on here and now, you cannot see the past or the future anymore.
Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual.
No matter what moments you are living, or if there are people who dislike you, as long as you do not lose sight of the guiding star of “I contribute to others,” you will not lose your way, and you can do whatever you like.
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